And so the year ends....

My life is an open book now and even though sometimes it's best to keep our personal lives hush hush... I feel that talking about personal experiences and what I've gone though may help other people. And that's all I can hope for:) I hope my story or what I've gone through help other people or maybe let them know they will be OK:) I can finally open my mouth again and I refuse to keep it shut:) ....

Tomorrow is the end of the year 2010. For me it went so slow and I cannot wait for it to be over and start a fresh hopefully "healthy" New Year.
I feel like I've been in hell for the last year and I don't know how I got out of it but I did. I'm very proud of myself! I'm finally happy again!

I know many of my friends and people all over the world had a rough year as well with some bad luck. And I want to say to everyone that it get's better and it's not forever!
There's a light at the end of every tunnel and even though it may not seem like things will get better, they always do. They sometimes take time but just be strong,lean on friends and family, pray, and get help if needed.

I didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't think after all the pain I would come out of it all "normal" again.

I think about the 365+ days I sat here in extreme pain in my jaw, crying and helpless. Hungry, depressed, miserable, crazy, mean, sick, and love-less. It's like I lost the will to care...about anything and anyone.
Every single day I cried. I hated everything. I sat on our couch watching 5 seasons go by wishing it would all just end.
It hurt to talk, laugh or smile so I hardly ever did any of that at all.
I wasn't funny anymore or goofy. I just became a sad human being who just didn't care.
Pain can change who you are. Pain can ruin parts of your life and take who you were away. Pain is awful especially a whole year of it. I cannot imagine how people and children who have it worse then I did keep going and stay positive.
To me those people are hero's and the strongest people in the world!

It's INSANE how my jaw suddenly doesn't hurt so badly anymore. It may be the craziest of stories. For those of you who don't know I've had my jaw sort of "dislocated" or "out of it's socket" for over a year. VERY painful leaving me unable to chew or hardly eat. Two surgeries later it still wasn't better. I was put on TONS of med's the whole time and I suddenly depended on them everyday. Thank you God I never got addicted, but I did get dependent on them. Took them every day this year and October of this year I realized I did not need them and they were making me act and feel VERY badly! I will never touch pain pills again! But the dentists and doctors prescribed them to me every week so I thought I needed them and I thought they would solve all my problems. They don't!! They make them all worse.

But October of this year...a year after the jaw injury occurred, I fell down HARD on a wet floor. I smacked my face and broke my collar bone.
Worst pain I have ever felt and a collar bone break is no fun at all. Anyway since I fell my jaw hasn't been hurting as bad and I'm able to eat more and chew a little. No more excruciating pain:)
Crazy right? I don't understand it but all I know is for this past month, after a beautiful vacation in Aruba, I came home ME again:)

The depression is gone and everything is beautiful to me. I feel like I'm seeing the world for the first time. I'm so very happy! I'm so grateful!! I will never take anything for granted ever again!
I have new goals and dreams. I love again and care more than I ever have. I am a better person and I feel like I can get through anything!!
I still am thinking about open jaw surgery because my jaw is very uncomfortable being out of it's socket and I'm unable to sleep on my face or lay down on my face. And I still can't eat a lot of hard things and if I eat too much the pain kicks in a little.
But if I decided on it I know I will be OK:)

I am very lucky I still have all my friends! I pushed everyone away this whole year but my friends waited and cared and stuck by me. They allowed me to go through this all on my own and they were all there waiting in the end! I love you guys!! You know who you are! Your all my angels and I am so blessed to have you all in my life!!

My mother saved my life this year! EVERY SINGLE day she called numerous times listening to me sob uncontrollable, saying things I'm sure no mother wants to here.
She pulled me though it all and was here almost every day sacrificing herself and her life. She saved my life!!! She's the only person I wanted to go to with all this and she was there for me every step of the way! Thank you God for my mother!
I love you momma! You gave me life and this year you saved my life! Pass the tissues;) <3

I still have my relationship which I never thought I would have. Joey should have walked away. He had to see me at my absolute worst every day. He had to listen to my craziness and deal with my major mood swings.
He had to go through this pain every day with me and he did not deserve that!
I picked fights with him every week because I was just mad at the world and needed to take it out on someone....the wrong person. This boy stayed with me even though some days he didn't want to. We both fought for our love. He knew one day I would be "Mandi" again and we would be back to the happy, crazy, fun, completely in love couple we were for years. He stayed with me and if that's not true love I don't know what is:) I see us together forever and I think we will be great examples of an everlasting wonderful love:)You have to go through some hard times together I feel to see if your relationship can with stand. We are strong! We made it! I love him more than anything and he also saved my life! Always and forever!

To everyone that cared, sent me cards, worried, text, thought about me...I LOVE YOU and you have no idea how much you mean to me!

I will no longer talk about this horrible year. I'd love to write a book about my experiences someday...new dreams:)

Life is about pain and heartache and loss and sadness. It's life. But how we choose to deal with these things and overcome them is OUR choice! You can sit around and let these horrible things take your life over, or you can fight and be strong and think positive:) I gave up for a little while but I fought and kicked and screamed and here I am:)

I highly recommend getting professional help for anyone feeling depressed or just needing to talk to someone. It helps! That's what they are there for and getting help is not embarrassing!

So peace out crappy year of 2010:):) I will never forget you but I also will not think of you much anymore:)

Here's to a New Year...2011...I hope it's filled with HEALTH, HAPPINESS and LOVE for you all!
I hope it's a good year for me. I'm 31 years old and ready for the next steps. Hopefully there's some marriage and babies mixed into those steps someday;)

People always ask the question "what do you think you were put on this earth for"? and I actually have my answer. I was put here to make people laugh, smile, make drabby nights into craziness and be the goofy life of the party:) Making people laugh is what I've done my whole life and it makes me happy:)
I think I was also put on this earth for my future children I pray I will have. I feel like I will be one of the most caring, loving, nurturing mothers on the planet:) I may put my kids in a bubble but I will protect them and love them with all that I have:)



It will always get better! Have hope, faith, and say your prayers.
Love Mandi

The Next Step..

Today was decision day on what's next with this whole jaw pain issue.
And my choice is to have Open Jaw Surgery. It's a big surgery with some scary risks.
Recovery sounds brutal and I won't be feeling 100% until probably Springtime, but I will take the risks and all that comes with it to just not feel this pain anymore!
Life is about taking risks. And I think I've been through enough hell this last year and I can take on anything now that comes my way! I'm strong! Dr.Mehra at BMC, my jaw surgeon, is AMAZING!! I have a lot of faith, hope and trust in him.
This surgery scares the crap out of me though! I'm petrified and I don't even have a set date yet.
What they'll basically do it cut the side of my face open to expose the jaw bone and cartilage and all that, and either take the cartilage out if it's bad, or if it's good they'll put it back into place. Also there going to try and slip my disc back into it's hole but he said he's not sure how bad that disc is. If the disc is bad there's nothing they can do about that. I'll just have to live with it out.
But what he's trying to do for me is take this pain away and help me to live a semi-normal life and lifestyle.
The risks.....Ughhh they scare me very much! Nerve damage meaning I could lose feeling and movement on the left side of my face, losing my hearing in my left ear, pain worsening and this may cause me to need more surgeries down the road.
Dr.Mehra told me today that I will never be able to eat certain foods ever again no matter what surgery is performed. Some are pizza, bagels, hard breads, steak, pretzels...basically anything hard that needs a lot of jaw movement. No gum either:(
And my pigging out in the near future is pretty much non existent to. And oh boy did I use to pig out my whole life:)
So it all stinks but I can live with all this! I've thought about it the last two months, I've talked to God, family, close friends, Joey and I'm going for it!! I have a ton of support and I have my strength and my faith and family:)
This surgery is going to be hell for awhile but I already have been through hell throughout my life. I can get through this!! And I will! Mom is not for this surgery but I know in my heart that this is the best thing to do. She told me to talk to God, which I have, and he'll give me the answers. I've gotten the answers I need:)
Things happen and there out of our control. My mom always says we learn from things even the worst of things. And I have learned a lot this year trust me!!
I am one of the strongest people I know now. It took awhile but I pulled myself out of this hell and the depression and medications, and that really dark dark place I was in. I sat in my house and watched 4 seasons go by, crying everyday and praying to God for help.
And about a month ago I made some changes, stopped crying and started living!
My life and my jaw will never be the way it use to be and I am coping with that.
But I'm still here, still breathing and this freak injury did not take me!! So that's what I say to myself everyday!
I can't stop this from happening to anyone because there's not many people in this world that this does happen to with wisdom tooth extractions.
But I will say this...If you have clicking or pain in your jaw make sure you tell your Dentist of Surgeon!! Especially before they pull any teeth out!!
Find out of you have TMJ and the ways you can manage it.
I had a Surgeon tell me last year before all this happened that I shouldn't be put to sleep with wisdom tooth extraction surgery because of my slight jaw clicking and I didn't listen to him. Maybe none of this would have happened if I did but I will never know.
All I know is that I'm stronger than I have ever been, I'm not feeling crazy anymore, I'm off all medications (besides sleeping ones), I laugh and smile more and I have hope!! Yes I am in pain everyday and I still have some depression and I still get scared...but I pull myself out it all now and change my attitude! I have days I want to give up as we all do, but I fight those days and thoughts! We have the control over our mind and thoughts. We control our own happiness no one else does! And no one can make you happy, only you can make yourself happy!
I sat and watched my life, friends, relationship, family, fall apart from all this and how it all changed and I felt so helpless. I had no fight left in me for months and I really thought one day I'm just going to give up.
But I fought and climbed and pulled and held on for dear life. And I made it:)

I have many months and maybe years ahead of me with all this but I know I will get through them all! It will never be easy but life is never easy. I sit and wonder all the time why this happened to me but bad things happen and worse things happen.
I'm a warrior! God maybe choose me to become a warrior and tell my story and maybe help others. I wouldn't have made it without my mother to so be good to your moms everyone:):) They give up themselves for there children:)
And I still have my boyfriend after all we've been through so that's an accomplishment to;) ;) He's been put though hell as well but he stood by me! Family, friends as well! I love you all so much!!! Your all still going to have to deal with me not talking much or going places or seeing me a lot but I will always be there for everyone no matter what:)
What a year...WHAT a year! But I made it:) Now it's onto the next...wish me luck and keep me in your prayers:)
xxoo

Jaw update

Every day some one wonderful in my life asks me how I am and just once I would like to say "I'm OK".
In two months it will be one whole year I've been living with my left side TM jaw joint out of it's position. An easier explanation would be my jaw disc is out of it's socket..also known as a "TM Disorder".
My post below explains how this all happened. It's just getting to the point where it's so tiring having to explain all this and explain to people why I'm still in pain, unable to still do normal every day activities and why I look so completely miserable and have changed as a person.
I feel like people get mad at me when I say I'm still in pain or not feeling good, or I'm not up for going anywhere and that's a crappy feeling to have going through something.
Yup, I should be worrying about myself but of course things affect and bother me. I'm a human being and a girl:)
So maybe sharing my life the last few months will help every one understand me and this "injury".
3 weeks ago I had a minor surgery on my jaw called Arthrocentesis at Boston Medical Center. They gave me Anesthesia, inserted needles into the left side of my face, flushed out the joint with fluids and put the cartilage back into place. There was a small camera at the end of one of the needles so they could see what they were doing.
I was told before this surgery that my jaw disc is ruined and will never feel the same of be back into position again no matter what surgery they performed.
Imagine being told this right before a surgery you though would fix you?
All they can do is manage the pain and try to get me to chew again and live a normal life. They said the surgery was successful but I knew right after not a whole lot would change pain wise. I just knew. It's my face, my body and dealing with the pain I've been dealing with since October 2009, I know what will help and what probably won't.
But I will try anything that can maybe take this pain and suffering away and help me to chew again.
Anyhow, though the pain is not as bad as it was and I am eating more then I have been, I still have pain and somewhat feel the same. My pain is much worse at night and when I get super stressed or talk too much.
I have to wait a few more weeks, and if I still feel like this I have to make a decision to either live like this or have a very risky Open Jaw Surgery where they will have to cut my face open.
Like I said, my jaw disc is ruined and will never be back into place, but surgery's could possibly help the pain.
I'd love to talk to anyone who has TMJ disorder and has had a jaw surgery or has found a way to eliminate the pain.
ANY feedback will help. There's not a whole lot of information out there about my injury and my surgeon said there's only a few jaw surgeons in the world who will perform surgery on a TMJ patient. It's just very very risky. But if it comes down to it in a few weeks and I still feel this pain I will take the risks.
I know some of my family is against this surgery but I don't think anyone can begin to understand what I'm going through or how I feel.
My WHOLE life has changed. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because people have it way worse then I do. People live everyday in sickness, pain and suffering and it's awful. But sometimes sharing stories and all you go through in life helps and heals.
But if there's anyone out there going through what I'm going through or dealing with depression or a life changing experience, why not share stories and try and help each other:)
I'm VERY lucky I have such a great support team behind! I'm very lucky I have such a caring mother who has been by my side through all of this hell and stress.
This injury has taken a toll on every relationship I have with everyone. It's affected my life so badly in a negative way that it's a struggle to want to live life anymore and get out of bed. I have to pick and choose what I can and cannot do. Even going to the beach or to the store can be very stressful for me and cause pain. I'm an emotional mess and cry at the drop of a hat. My emotions are all over the place and I'm so up and down and confusing.
As hard as that is to hear, it's the honest to God truth and very sad but there are a lot of people out there who feel this way.
Between all the medication I have been on, I feel very lucky to still be alive!
I use to be a happy, outgoing girl who loved to dance and listen to music, made everyone laugh no matter what and was always the last one at a party:)
I had my faults and issues like everyone does, but I was a genuinely happy person who just wanted to laugh and make people laugh.
I loved to eat and loved to have a good time.
Not anymore. Living in pain changes your life and makes you crazy! Especially when you've been told you'll be fixed one day and have had surgery's canceled and people being so rude and mean through all this.
I've never been treated so badly by people in my life! It's sad but karma is a you-know-what!
I don't want to sit here and complain about my life because besides this injury I have a pretty good one.I have a very blessed life and a lot of good in it and I thank God for it every single day!!
But I am not the same person I use to be and it kills me!

The depression is awful..I lost a total of 26 pounds..I still cannot chew and have to live on soft foods..it's a battle to get out of bed each day and a lot of the days I don't..I've pushed people out of my life.. I rely on sleeping medication to sleep..I can't lay down normally or lay on my face..the pain is so bad I cry every night and ask to God to please help me.. my whole body aches everyday due to sitting on this couch for almost a year and being unhealthy..I feel sick and crappy every single day..if I get stressed or talk too much the pain is instant..I've gone through more Advil..I worry about everything and my mind is constantly going..I get confused and forgetful..my teeth are a mess and my fillings fall out..I'm miserable..I've turned into a bitch and very moody..I've flipped out and embarrassed myself, my family and boyfriend a few times..I walk down stairs and always have my hands in front of my face protecting my jaw..my ear feels like it's bleeding every day and is in such pain..I stopped taking care of myself..I have no desire to talk to anyone or even leave my house..I'm afraid of everything..I stopped listening to music..I constantly feel like everyone is mad at me for this injury..I've pushed everyone out of my life..I can't get through a day without medication..I can't go to an event without pain med's(I am VERY lucky I have never become addicted!!)..I can't sleep..I have no desire to do anything and I've started to hate my life. I use to be so loud and very talkative and now I just sit and hardly speak. It's hard for to do anything or go anywhere without being in pain or feeling really sick. I get run down easily now. I get stressed and super anxiety. Everyone tries to get me out of the house but most of the time it's best I rest and just deal with all this.
I don't know why bad things happen to people but they do and we have no control over it. We get through them and we learn from them.
But living every day in bad pain, unable to chew and be happy is no way to live and I hate it! There's only so much a human being can take and I have had it.
I CRAVE happiness and I wish and pray every day to not feel this pain anymore.
I want my life back and I want myself back! I would give anything to have my jaw back into place and just to be pain free and not feel like my jaw is hanging down.
All I can say to people is be happy..live life to the absolute fullest.. be nice to everyone and don't let small things get you down:) Life is VERY short and someone always has it worse then we do!!
For anyone that has been wondering how I am or what's going on with me I hope this can explain it:)
Depression, pain and suffering have taken my life away for this past year and all I can ask is that people try and understand, support me and are there for me:)
The only person I can be there for and the only person I care about right now is myself and trying to get better. As selfish as it may sound or as crappy as a friend, girlfriend or daughter I have become I have had no control over this situation.
Hopefully by writing all of this and actually opening up after a few months of isolating myself it can help people understand and maybe help someone going through this stuff:)
And like I said, any jaw pain, TMJ disorders, or anyone who has had jaw surgery, feedback or advice would be SO incredibly helpful:)
I don't know what's going to happen or if I'll every be without pain or if I'll ever be myself again. But I will NOT GIVE UP and I will NOT let this beat me!!
We all get one life..one short very difficult, very crazy life. And we are what we make make of our lives! Life is not fair sometimes but with a good support team and caring friends and family I feel we can get through anything:)
I'm so sick of talking about my jaw and myself and all this hell.So here it all is and the world will know if I ever get helped, fixed or better:) We all go through things in life..we over come them and come out a better, stronger person which I pray I do! Imagine going in to have my wisdom teeth pulled 11 months ago would turn into this?! Ahh life right:) It could always be worse! I would give anything to not have this all anymore and to smile and laugh everyday. Don't EVER take your life for granted and don't EVER think you can't do something because you can!
This is my story and it's a sad one but hopefully it has a happy ending someday:)

It's D day!

Hello,
I thought by writing down my recent experience maybe it could help others or give each one of you some hope. On October 2 2009 my life completely changed..and not for the better.
I went in to have 4 wisdom teeth removed. They never really bothered me but I was getting sick a lot and it was hard for a Dentist to clean back there with my wisdom teeth in the way.
I went to Dr. McNamara's office in Melrose Mass (9/9/09)and met with Dr. Lackey who would perform the surgery on me. She was a younger woman with blond hair and a very hyper personality. She told me this surgery would be a breeze, quick and painless. I believed her of course.
I remember the day of my surgery (10/2/09), and I was so nervous the night before that I had the shakes. But on the day of, Dr. Lackey told me everything would be OK and this was going to be easy. And I trusted her and slowly felt the Anesthesia kick in.
25 minutes later I woke up feeling great and talking so goofy. Mom video taped me and we laughed at the videos for days.
I felt OK for the first few days just a little sore. But as the days/weeks went on I realized this pain in my jaw, trouble opening my mouth and a very hard time eating.
I'll speed this story up a little because it wasn't easy trying to get Dr. Lackey to believe that something was really wrong and that I NEEDED an MRI. I had an MRI done about a month after surgery. Let's just say her receptionists are not on top of things!
The MRI showed that the left side of my jaw was dislocated. Out of it's hole completely and needed to be back into place. Dr. Lackey performed a minor procedure on me a few weeks later and my jaw did go back in for a few days.
Then one day (Thanksgiving at Dads)I was in excruciating pain and I knew the procedure did not work and I was way worse!
We went and got a second opinion by a wonderful Oral Surgeon named Dr. Taro and he predicted that I would need "Scope" surgery and that I should not be suffering this long like this and Dr. Lackey should have know that "procedure" she did would never have worked on a dislocated jaw.
He recommended the surgery but said there's a chance Masshealth would not cover it.
So we went back to Dr. Lackey and she said the "Scope" surgery is the next step and she would make calls to try and get me to see a Surgeon at MGH. She said Masshealth would definitely cover this surgery.This took weeks for her to set me up a consultation.
All the while I'm on 5 different types of medications a day, I've lost about 10 pounds, I am in excruciating pain, and we have a trip to Aruba booked.
Mom worked her magic while I was away and got me a consultation at MGH right when I would get back.
Aruba was AWFUL and I suffered greatly and out of 11 days in paradise, I had one good day of no pain and suffering...my 30th birthday:) I am still forever grateful for that day!
We went and saw Dr. Keith on December 21, 2009 and he agreed I would need scope surgery and he would perform it himself.
We then found out his next available appointment was March 9, 2010. That would be 2.5 MORE months I would have to go through of pain, med's, not chewing and sitting in my house. Mom and I broke down that day in front of the insurance coordinator (AnneMarie)but she couldn't care less. She was and STILL is not a nice person! VERY rude!
So it's almost month 5 of all this hell and my surgery is suppose to be in 3 weeks. We found out yesterday that Masshealth may not cover this surgery and the surgery cost between $6,000- $10,000.
I have been sitting here, strong, trying to stay positive, laugh, trying to make my friends happy, trying to be there for everyone, I have not been able to chew this whole time(almost 5 months),smiling through the pain, being patient and pretty much "faking" that I am OK. But I am not...not at all.
My hair has started to fall out, I have lost 17 ponds total, I constantly don't feel well, I have bad anxiety, I am extremely depressed, stressed, sad, angered, hopeless, my health is not good, hungry, I have been on so much medicine sometimes I wonder if I will not wake up one day, and I have basically lost the will to want to live life! On weekends I use to wake up around 7am or 8am and be excited to start my days off and clean the house...but now I don't ever want to get out of bed!
I know it could be worse. I am VERY lucky I don't have a life threatening disease or cancer and this can be fixed!! I am grateful for this everyday and I thank god for this everyday!!! I have a blessed life!
But this is the HARDEST thing I have ever gone through and I feel like I have completely lost "Mandi".
I feel like Dr. Lackey took her away. But it's time to fight!
I am very weak right now and feel so sick, so Joey (boyfriend)and Mom are helping me fight all this!!
It's Lawyer time and time to give Dr. Lackey her options or else we sue!!
I called Dr. Lackeys personal cell on Sunday letting her know my health isn't good and I do not want to live like this anymore and asking her to please help!
She still has not called back.
I will fight and be strong as much as I can because this is something no one deserves to go through!!!! Things happen to people...sometimes really bad things that we have no control over! But this we can fight for! I lost hope within the last few days but I woke up this morning with my warrior attitude on!
I am hoping Dr. Lackey has a heart and offers to cover this surgery! I am praying and hoping with all that I have!

So I just want everyone to know what is going on. I've been there for friends/family as much as I can...too much in my eyes and It's time for me to take care of myself!


And for those who have showed there concerns/care, been there for me, helped me, comforted me,sent me gifts and cards I LOVE you so much and I thank you with all my heart!! I will still pray for you as well:)

This is not a big deal to some of you but for me it is! Worse things in life happen yes, but this is the worst thing that has happened to me as of right now and I can only come out STRONGER!!!!!!
I don't ask that you feel bad for me..I will survive! All I ask is that you keep me in your prayers and maybe cross a few fingers and toes:)
Today is "D" day and I have had enough!!!
I just want my life back!