Every day some one wonderful in my life asks me how I am and just once I would like to say "I'm OK".
In two months it will be one whole year I've been living with my left side TM jaw joint out of it's position. An easier explanation would be my jaw disc is out of it's socket..also known as a "TM Disorder".
My post below explains how this all happened. It's just getting to the point where it's so tiring having to explain all this and explain to people why I'm still in pain, unable to still do normal every day activities and why I look so completely miserable and have changed as a person.
I feel like people get mad at me when I say I'm still in pain or not feeling good, or I'm not up for going anywhere and that's a crappy feeling to have going through something.
Yup, I should be worrying about myself but of course things affect and bother me. I'm a human being and a girl:)
So maybe sharing my life the last few months will help every one understand me and this "injury".
3 weeks ago I had a minor surgery on my jaw called Arthrocentesis at Boston Medical Center. They gave me Anesthesia, inserted needles into the left side of my face, flushed out the joint with fluids and put the cartilage back into place. There was a small camera at the end of one of the needles so they could see what they were doing.
I was told before this surgery that my jaw disc is ruined and will never feel the same of be back into position again no matter what surgery they performed.
Imagine being told this right before a surgery you though would fix you?
All they can do is manage the pain and try to get me to chew again and live a normal life. They said the surgery was successful but I knew right after not a whole lot would change pain wise. I just knew. It's my face, my body and dealing with the pain I've been dealing with since October 2009, I know what will help and what probably won't.
But I will try anything that can maybe take this pain and suffering away and help me to chew again.
Anyhow, though the pain is not as bad as it was and I am eating more then I have been, I still have pain and somewhat feel the same. My pain is much worse at night and when I get super stressed or talk too much.
I have to wait a few more weeks, and if I still feel like this I have to make a decision to either live like this or have a very risky Open Jaw Surgery where they will have to cut my face open.
Like I said, my jaw disc is ruined and will never be back into place, but surgery's could possibly help the pain.
I'd love to talk to anyone who has TMJ disorder and has had a jaw surgery or has found a way to eliminate the pain.
ANY feedback will help. There's not a whole lot of information out there about my injury and my surgeon said there's only a few jaw surgeons in the world who will perform surgery on a TMJ patient. It's just very very risky. But if it comes down to it in a few weeks and I still feel this pain I will take the risks.
I know some of my family is against this surgery but I don't think anyone can begin to understand what I'm going through or how I feel.
My WHOLE life has changed. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because people have it way worse then I do. People live everyday in sickness, pain and suffering and it's awful. But sometimes sharing stories and all you go through in life helps and heals.
But if there's anyone out there going through what I'm going through or dealing with depression or a life changing experience, why not share stories and try and help each other:)
I'm VERY lucky I have such a great support team behind! I'm very lucky I have such a caring mother who has been by my side through all of this hell and stress.
This injury has taken a toll on every relationship I have with everyone. It's affected my life so badly in a negative way that it's a struggle to want to live life anymore and get out of bed. I have to pick and choose what I can and cannot do. Even going to the beach or to the store can be very stressful for me and cause pain. I'm an emotional mess and cry at the drop of a hat. My emotions are all over the place and I'm so up and down and confusing.
As hard as that is to hear, it's the honest to God truth and very sad but there are a lot of people out there who feel this way.
Between all the medication I have been on, I feel very lucky to still be alive!
I use to be a happy, outgoing girl who loved to dance and listen to music, made everyone laugh no matter what and was always the last one at a party:)
I had my faults and issues like everyone does, but I was a genuinely happy person who just wanted to laugh and make people laugh.
I loved to eat and loved to have a good time.
Not anymore. Living in pain changes your life and makes you crazy! Especially when you've been told you'll be fixed one day and have had surgery's canceled and people being so rude and mean through all this.
I've never been treated so badly by people in my life! It's sad but karma is a you-know-what!
I don't want to sit here and complain about my life because besides this injury I have a pretty good one.I have a very blessed life and a lot of good in it and I thank God for it every single day!!
But I am not the same person I use to be and it kills me!
The depression is awful..I lost a total of 26 pounds..I still cannot chew and have to live on soft foods..it's a battle to get out of bed each day and a lot of the days I don't..I've pushed people out of my life.. I rely on sleeping medication to sleep..I can't lay down normally or lay on my face..the pain is so bad I cry every night and ask to God to please help me.. my whole body aches everyday due to sitting on this couch for almost a year and being unhealthy..I feel sick and crappy every single day..if I get stressed or talk too much the pain is instant..I've gone through more Advil..I worry about everything and my mind is constantly going..I get confused and forgetful..my teeth are a mess and my fillings fall out..I'm miserable..I've turned into a bitch and very moody..I've flipped out and embarrassed myself, my family and boyfriend a few times..I walk down stairs and always have my hands in front of my face protecting my jaw..my ear feels like it's bleeding every day and is in such pain..I stopped taking care of myself..I have no desire to talk to anyone or even leave my house..I'm afraid of everything..I stopped listening to music..I constantly feel like everyone is mad at me for this injury..I've pushed everyone out of my life..I can't get through a day without medication..I can't go to an event without pain med's(I am VERY lucky I have never become addicted!!)..I can't sleep..I have no desire to do anything and I've started to hate my life. I use to be so loud and very talkative and now I just sit and hardly speak. It's hard for to do anything or go anywhere without being in pain or feeling really sick. I get run down easily now. I get stressed and super anxiety. Everyone tries to get me out of the house but most of the time it's best I rest and just deal with all this.
I don't know why bad things happen to people but they do and we have no control over it. We get through them and we learn from them.
But living every day in bad pain, unable to chew and be happy is no way to live and I hate it! There's only so much a human being can take and I have had it.
I CRAVE happiness and I wish and pray every day to not feel this pain anymore.
I want my life back and I want myself back! I would give anything to have my jaw back into place and just to be pain free and not feel like my jaw is hanging down.
All I can say to people is be happy..live life to the absolute fullest.. be nice to everyone and don't let small things get you down:) Life is VERY short and someone always has it worse then we do!!
For anyone that has been wondering how I am or what's going on with me I hope this can explain it:)
Depression, pain and suffering have taken my life away for this past year and all I can ask is that people try and understand, support me and are there for me:)
The only person I can be there for and the only person I care about right now is myself and trying to get better. As selfish as it may sound or as crappy as a friend, girlfriend or daughter I have become I have had no control over this situation.
Hopefully by writing all of this and actually opening up after a few months of isolating myself it can help people understand and maybe help someone going through this stuff:)
And like I said, any jaw pain, TMJ disorders, or anyone who has had jaw surgery, feedback or advice would be SO incredibly helpful:)
I don't know what's going to happen or if I'll every be without pain or if I'll ever be myself again. But I will NOT GIVE UP and I will NOT let this beat me!!
We all get one life..one short very difficult, very crazy life. And we are what we make make of our lives! Life is not fair sometimes but with a good support team and caring friends and family I feel we can get through anything:)
I'm so sick of talking about my jaw and myself and all this hell.So here it all is and the world will know if I ever get helped, fixed or better:) We all go through things in life..we over come them and come out a better, stronger person which I pray I do! Imagine going in to have my wisdom teeth pulled 11 months ago would turn into this?! Ahh life right:) It could always be worse! I would give anything to not have this all anymore and to smile and laugh everyday. Don't EVER take your life for granted and don't EVER think you can't do something because you can!
This is my story and it's a sad one but hopefully it has a happy ending someday:)
