My life is an open book now and even though sometimes it's best to keep our personal lives hush hush... I feel that talking about personal experiences and what I've gone though may help other people. And that's all I can hope for:) I hope my story or what I've gone through help other people or maybe let them know they will be OK:) I can finally open my mouth again and I refuse to keep it shut:) ....
Tomorrow is the end of the year 2010. For me it went so slow and I cannot wait for it to be over and start a fresh hopefully "healthy" New Year.
I feel like I've been in hell for the last year and I don't know how I got out of it but I did. I'm very proud of myself! I'm finally happy again!
I know many of my friends and people all over the world had a rough year as well with some bad luck. And I want to say to everyone that it get's better and it's not forever!
There's a light at the end of every tunnel and even though it may not seem like things will get better, they always do. They sometimes take time but just be strong,lean on friends and family, pray, and get help if needed.
I didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't think after all the pain I would come out of it all "normal" again.
I think about the 365+ days I sat here in extreme pain in my jaw, crying and helpless. Hungry, depressed, miserable, crazy, mean, sick, and love-less. It's like I lost the will to care...about anything and anyone.
Every single day I cried. I hated everything. I sat on our couch watching 5 seasons go by wishing it would all just end.
It hurt to talk, laugh or smile so I hardly ever did any of that at all.
I wasn't funny anymore or goofy. I just became a sad human being who just didn't care.
Pain can change who you are. Pain can ruin parts of your life and take who you were away. Pain is awful especially a whole year of it. I cannot imagine how people and children who have it worse then I did keep going and stay positive.
To me those people are hero's and the strongest people in the world!
It's INSANE how my jaw suddenly doesn't hurt so badly anymore. It may be the craziest of stories. For those of you who don't know I've had my jaw sort of "dislocated" or "out of it's socket" for over a year. VERY painful leaving me unable to chew or hardly eat. Two surgeries later it still wasn't better. I was put on TONS of med's the whole time and I suddenly depended on them everyday. Thank you God I never got addicted, but I did get dependent on them. Took them every day this year and October of this year I realized I did not need them and they were making me act and feel VERY badly! I will never touch pain pills again! But the dentists and doctors prescribed them to me every week so I thought I needed them and I thought they would solve all my problems. They don't!! They make them all worse.
But October of this year...a year after the jaw injury occurred, I fell down HARD on a wet floor. I smacked my face and broke my collar bone.
Worst pain I have ever felt and a collar bone break is no fun at all. Anyway since I fell my jaw hasn't been hurting as bad and I'm able to eat more and chew a little. No more excruciating pain:)
Crazy right? I don't understand it but all I know is for this past month, after a beautiful vacation in Aruba, I came home ME again:)
The depression is gone and everything is beautiful to me. I feel like I'm seeing the world for the first time. I'm so very happy! I'm so grateful!! I will never take anything for granted ever again!
I have new goals and dreams. I love again and care more than I ever have. I am a better person and I feel like I can get through anything!!
I still am thinking about open jaw surgery because my jaw is very uncomfortable being out of it's socket and I'm unable to sleep on my face or lay down on my face. And I still can't eat a lot of hard things and if I eat too much the pain kicks in a little.
But if I decided on it I know I will be OK:)
I am very lucky I still have all my friends! I pushed everyone away this whole year but my friends waited and cared and stuck by me. They allowed me to go through this all on my own and they were all there waiting in the end! I love you guys!! You know who you are! Your all my angels and I am so blessed to have you all in my life!!
My mother saved my life this year! EVERY SINGLE day she called numerous times listening to me sob uncontrollable, saying things I'm sure no mother wants to here.
She pulled me though it all and was here almost every day sacrificing herself and her life. She saved my life!!! She's the only person I wanted to go to with all this and she was there for me every step of the way! Thank you God for my mother!
I love you momma! You gave me life and this year you saved my life! Pass the tissues;) <3
I still have my relationship which I never thought I would have. Joey should have walked away. He had to see me at my absolute worst every day. He had to listen to my craziness and deal with my major mood swings.
He had to go through this pain every day with me and he did not deserve that!
I picked fights with him every week because I was just mad at the world and needed to take it out on someone....the wrong person. This boy stayed with me even though some days he didn't want to. We both fought for our love. He knew one day I would be "Mandi" again and we would be back to the happy, crazy, fun, completely in love couple we were for years. He stayed with me and if that's not true love I don't know what is:) I see us together forever and I think we will be great examples of an everlasting wonderful love:)You have to go through some hard times together I feel to see if your relationship can with stand. We are strong! We made it! I love him more than anything and he also saved my life! Always and forever!
To everyone that cared, sent me cards, worried, text, thought about me...I LOVE YOU and you have no idea how much you mean to me!
I will no longer talk about this horrible year. I'd love to write a book about my experiences someday...new dreams:)
Life is about pain and heartache and loss and sadness. It's life. But how we choose to deal with these things and overcome them is OUR choice! You can sit around and let these horrible things take your life over, or you can fight and be strong and think positive:) I gave up for a little while but I fought and kicked and screamed and here I am:)
I highly recommend getting professional help for anyone feeling depressed or just needing to talk to someone. It helps! That's what they are there for and getting help is not embarrassing!
So peace out crappy year of 2010:):) I will never forget you but I also will not think of you much anymore:)
Here's to a New Year...2011...I hope it's filled with HEALTH, HAPPINESS and LOVE for you all!
I hope it's a good year for me. I'm 31 years old and ready for the next steps. Hopefully there's some marriage and babies mixed into those steps someday;)
People always ask the question "what do you think you were put on this earth for"? and I actually have my answer. I was put here to make people laugh, smile, make drabby nights into craziness and be the goofy life of the party:) Making people laugh is what I've done my whole life and it makes me happy:)
I think I was also put on this earth for my future children I pray I will have. I feel like I will be one of the most caring, loving, nurturing mothers on the planet:) I may put my kids in a bubble but I will protect them and love them with all that I have:)
It will always get better! Have hope, faith, and say your prayers.
Love Mandi
