HOME

HOME.....Thank goodness I'm a homebody and hardly ever get sick of being home. And I Thank God this jaw disc popped out in the Fall rather than have destroyed my/our Summer.

It's been 3 months since I heard the "pop" of the jaw and life changed for the worse, most likely for good. 

I've been in way more then ever and sometimes it's fine and other times I get stir crazy, lonely, isolated. Luckily I have Joey but with working for Paint Nites now and his main job he's hardly ever home...and that's fine he's a hard working man and I appreciate him and am very lucky! But I'm home alone a lot which is great for my jaw pain but hard on the heart.

Trips grocery shopping or running errands are pretty much the only time I leave this house. Hardly anyone talks while running errands so it's easy :)

But last night we had a family dinner and I realized how badly it is to be out in a social environment and how much of a struggle it is...and all I wanted to do was be HOME. In my pjs under the heating blanket with my wine, dog and tv....where I'm happiest and the pain is minimal. 

If you know me you know I'm chatty, I'm loud, I laugh A LOT, I make everyone laugh and I love being a goof. I'm outgoing and been told the life of the party. But for my first outing last night I struggled. And I realized how bad this jaw disease, TMJD, jaw disc dislocation, whatever you call it it really really sucks!! I wasn't at all myself. I was sad I couldn't join in some of the livily conversation or talk about me and the excitement/nervousness of Aruba coming up. I couldn't make them all laugh and sitting in the chair I was in pain and felt like I was 90:(

I get it, who cares if I have to wear a mouthguard every time I talk to people. No one cares right? We'll I care!! I have insecurities as does every girl and this big plastic thing in my mouth doesn't help. It's ruins my smile, the way I speak and makes me feel ridiculous. So I'd much rather be home living this way then out at all times. But that's not healthy.

Since this disease spreads to my arms, neck and back, it's hard to sit. And with the Degenerative Arthrirts in my jaw joint it always hurts and throbs. Anxiety and talking and stress bring the pain on so much worse.

So being home I'm more happy, comfortable and the pain isn't too bad. 

Last night I realized this life I've been given right now is terrible. I can't be who I am. I can't laugh as loud. I can't talk as much. I can't bend over and kiss my dog. I can't sneeze or cough without holding my face. I can't lay on my face. I can't eat anything that's not super soft....ever again! I can't dance and jump up and down acting like the goof that I am. I have to be careful around people and hugging and kissing people just incase they hit my face. I can't have a few friends over because of the anxiety and pain that would set in. I can't be in a loud atmosphere. I can't sit too long I can't lay back too long. I can't sleep without meds. I CAN'T BE HAPPY! 

I know I'm lucky and blessed with some things. I have an amazing family and one of the best most caring and selfless mothers in the whole world!! I have love and am in love after 8 years with Joey. He's my best friend and for some reason is willing to be with a "sick" person. I have my bulldog Bailey who's my life! I have a home. I have food. I have the best job that allows me to stay home. I have a car, clothes on my back and a yearly island vacation and I do have a lot of good I'm grateful for! That's what keeps me going! 

I have some amazing friends who try and understand this all and reach out and just care and want to come visit. 

 And it takes time to get over the hurt but eventually you stop caring about the ones who don't reach out or care or understand. I don't have time for that! My health is way more important than selfishness! Sorry!! I was hurt for awhile by some, and now I choose to focus on me and my health and happiness! And if I end up with a handful of friends after all this then those are the handful of real, true friends I have! Some people just aren't worth it especially going through all this...

I would give anything, ANYTHING to have someone be able to get this jaw disc back in for good so I can have my life back!!! I don't know if this will ever happen. So I have to go on. I have to be strong and I have to say NO A LOT and I know friends and family and sometimes even my mom and BF don't understand that. I will push myself to attend big events in family and friends lives but there will be days I'm too pained to attend. I'm sorry! 

And no I don't have a toothache, I have a Jaw that's painfully throbs like a broken bone(pain goes from a 6 to an 8) and a neck and back that ache and hurt everyday. I feel like a sick person and although I don't have a deadly disease (thank God) everyday I don't feel well and this could possible be for life :( 

Hopefully we can have people over for a few yearly events since home is where I'm comfortable. But that comes with how I'm feeling. This is now my life. I will lose some things and will have to pick and choose where I can go. I will have to pick and choose what I can handle due to stress and anxiety. I will have to pick and choose if I can be ME or not. Being pushed to go out or hang out and attend stuff is very frustrating so I hope there's a better understanding as to why "Mandi can't come" or why "Mandi isn't here...again"!! 

I don't know why this happened to me. Bad things happen to people all the time. I don't want this pain anymore and I'm sick of it but I guess God thinks I'm strong enough to handle it so all I can do is show him he's right....

Xxoo

Pain thoughts...

Live life to the absolute fullest and appreciate all the good you have! I had 4 years of zero jaw pain and talked as much as I wanted and ate whatever I wanted and felt great! But I wish I lived it better then I did. Without complaining so much and wanting what I didn't have and focusing on things that didn't matter. As I sit here in pain as usual, week 12 and ongoing (still happy though) all I can say is be happy and grateful and don't stress over stuff that's small and meaningless! Appreciate your life!! I'd give anything to have those 4 years back and to have one pain free day and be able to laugh and dance and socialize with big groups of friends and eat pizza and sleep and enjoy the holidays and upcoming vacation....anything!!!! 💕💕💕

The fear got the best of me..

Had a bad emotional night last night. Cried and got angry and cried. It's been 11 weeks since my jaw disc popped out AGAIN, and I haven't really been allowing it to destroy my life. But last night the fear set in.

With the Holidays coming up, our Aruba vacation and a few events, I don't know how I'm going to survive them with this pain? The pain is not as bad all day if home (which I always am) hardly talking and eating soft foods. I wear my mouthguard all day and night and rub blue BioFreeze on my face throughout the day. But  when people come over and socialize the pain sets in with a vengeance within 10 minutes. All we do is talk to friends in Aruba so how will I get through this?? I can't tell everyone I can't talk, that sounds ridiculous but I will have to do what's best for me and this pain!  

I don't understand why this has happened? I don't understand why there is no cure and they can't get my jaw disc back in for good? I don't understand how the doctors and surgeons expect us to live like this?? This is no life! This is an unhappy, pain each and everyday, isolating, lonely life and for some reason us tmj, tmjd, jaw disease suffers cannot be fixed??? And I read posts of sufferers being so depressed, wanting to give up and hating their lives and some say they can't go on anymore:( 

Wish there was more time spent finding cures for us!!! Chronic pain that causes you to sit in the house all day everyday not talking and hardly eating, on a heating pad or ice pack all day, some taking tons of meds, some wanting to give up, is NO way to live and very very unfair! It could not be worse for us, I'm sorry but if you haven't felt what we feel you wouldn't understand! 

Luckily I am happy this time around and stronger and more positive and this hasn't brought me down a great deal typically. Of course I have good days and hours and bad ones. But in 2010 when this was so much worse and the doctors and dentist had me on 9 different meds, I was very very depressed and I wanted to give up. I was done!! And if that fall on my face didn't happen in October of 2010...I would not be here!! As crazy and terrible at that sounds, this is how tmj, tmjd, chronic pain and jaw disease sufferers feel and it is not fair!!! That fall saved my life!! Now going through this all again I don't rely on meds to get me through I rely on strength and hope and support and amazing TMJ and TMJD Facebook pages!! And my family and some great friends!! And of course not talking, a mouthguard, hardly eating...you get it...... AWFULNESS!! But I wake up each morning, thank God for another day and fight through! 

Don't ever give up my sufferers!! Fight the good fight and pray and reach out to friends and family when your feeling down! 

Maybe one day they'll have a cure for us but until then keep on fighting and I'm here for anyone who needs me!

Xxoo 

Happy first Sunday of November!

Happy Sunday! It's crazy it's already November! Gonna try and update this blog once a week. Best way to communicate since I can hardly talk.

I decided to try no meds with this chronic jaw pain. One week I've made it so far and it's not easy! But a life on meds is not a life I want. Been there done that for one whole year and it's like poisoning your body.

Plus for me the meds make me incredibly moody, down, depressed and all over the place. But they do help with the pain so it's a lose lose situation. 

Weekends are tough. Weekends are when people usually chit chat and get together. My mom came over Halloween night for 3 hours and I was in incredible pain the whole time. Made me really sad to sit there not myself and not being the goofy loud person I usually am. I worry about my mom because no parent wants to see their child in pain. I worry about my friends and losing friends because what kind of friend am I?? I can't have them over and talk for hours. I can't meet them out (not like I do anyway) I can't attend parties coming up or get togethers. I should worry about myself but I worry about everyone else and how they'll handle this if this is my life from now on. 

Many have walked into this house and said instantly my face is so thin or I look so thin. And then some have said I don't look sick and I look fine. Hard to hear but I put on a brave face,I talk as much as I can and I don't ever want people to see me down or not myself. I fight to continue to be Mandi and make people happy and laugh...but it's hard! 

 I've told Joey(boyfriend of 8 years) he doesn't have to deal with this and he can go find someone who's healthy and can give him a happy fun life. I feel bad we can't do anything and he sits in most weekends. It's not fair to him. But for some reason he loves me and doesn't care. I just hope all this  doesn't  destroy my friendships and relationships. No one wants to deal with a sick girl. I'm sure it gets annoying. Again, I should worry about myself 😊

With the Holidays coming up and our week and a half yearly vacation in Aruba, I'm so scared! I don't know how I'm going to get through this all. At home, I have my heating pad, my ice, my blue joint cream that I rub on every hour and tuns my face blue (if you see me blue faced you know why;) my mouthguard and my comfort. Even if you do tell people you can't talk a lot and your in pain they don't truly understand. So I don't know how I'll get through my most favorite time of the year but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?! 

I have good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours. I wake up and immediately feel the soreness in my jaw and pain. I cry a lot and I do feel bad for myself, sorry. Your mouth and jaw is one of the most used body parts. Talking and eating are the main ways of life. So having that taken away is something I'll never be able to explain. But it's not fair! I can't spend my life not talking and hardly eating so to be honest I am scared everyday! Afraid of the future... what if they can't get this disc back in and I'm in more pain then now like I was in 2010...then what?? I don't think anyone understands that this is a lifelong injury and all they can do is try to get the disc in and it'll maybe stay in for a few years until it pops out again and this all is repeated for life:(  I know I'm strong but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and this time around I'm handling it much better, but I'm just so sad and angry that this happened to me!

Aside from this, some know some don't, I've been struggling with Infertility for about 2 years now. I've had one Chemical Pregnacy, one miscarriage this past March, 3 surgeries and I've seen Doctors more then I can count. It is the most emotional, sad, heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through and I'm still not over the miscarriage in March, as I realized this past Halloween. We would have had our baby in October and dressing he or she up for Halloween, so I balled a lot that day. I guess my hearts still not healed💔💔

As a child all I wanted to do when I grow up was get married and be a mom to 3 to 5 kids. But for some reason in the back of my mind I always knew I'd struggle to have a baby. I just knew it and here I am....crazy!!

I think I've seen about 18 friends get pregnant easily and have babies. And you want to be happy for them but it is SO hard!! So hard! Now, I can't attend baby showers and I have a hard time being around anyone who's pregnant. Seeing the constant announcements and baby pictures on social media killed me so I took a 5 month break from FB. I'm back on Facebook now but only with a few close friends and family. I'm sure people are offended that I'm not friend requesting them or vise versa, but going through all this pain and not being good company I only want people who truly know me and understand me in my life right now. And I hope people understand that!! 

I don't know what's going to happen with all this. I'll never ever give up on trying to have our baby!! There's nothing wrong with me so they can't figure out why I can't get pregnant. So frustrating! I need a break from it right now though so January I'll consider Fertitly Treatments. But I'm not healthy right now and I have to take aspirin everyday so I don't think it's the best time to get pregnant, but it's in Gods hands!! I've never believed "everything happens for a reason" until now. I'm pretty calm this time around with this jaw Injury because it's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do. Last time I was fixed for 4 years because I fell on my face....so maybe I'll fall again who knows. Whatever is suppose to happen will!! God only gives us what we can handle!! 

Thank you to all those who've reached out or came by for a quick visit and made me soft foods. You don't know how much I appreciate you!! Got my family and my amazing dad and a handful of good friends, so thank you all!!  My mother is my angel and even though she comes here talking her ass off, I love that she's here everyday!! Best mother in this universe!! I'm so lucky!! 

The bf has been amazing throughout this too and I do feel badly for him having to deal with all this crap!! I want to give him a child more then anything in this world and I want to make him laugh and happy so I worry and feel terrible:( But either way he wants to be with me and I am lucky to have him too....because most guys would leave! 

I'm so lucky to have one of my best friends (my Yang) who lives a house away from me. Everyone gets busy and has their own lives so it's nice to know a friend is steps away and I can text or go over anytime! And her 7 year old daughter is one of my best friends too :) it makes this a bit easier just knowing I have friends and they are steps away!  So reach out to friends and don't isolate yourself! 

Always tell those who are there for you how much you appreciate them and thank them often!! I'm learning this through all this pain and want to be a better person, friend, daughter, girlfriend! 

My prayers are with anyone going through hard times! If you need me I'm here for you! And to anyone who's been given a blessed life, never stop thanking God and appreciating it! Because some of us would give anything to have what you have, even through your most stressful difficult days :) 

Xxoo Mandi

And here we are again..

Wow I can't believe it's been 4 years since I've been back on here. I have been lucky enough to have 4 years without jaw pain, eating what I want and enjoying a pain free life. I thought I was in the clear and would never have to go back to the HELL I was in 4 years ago. But here I am again back in that hell :(

 A little catch up...I had TMJ my whole life, had 4 wisdom teeth removed in 2009 and the "POS" dentist must have wiggled my TMJ so much the disc pushed out. I went through the hardest year of my entire life with 24/7 excruciating jaw pain, all over muscle pain from Arthritis, losing 25 pounds on a soft food diet and pretty much losing myself. Had 3 surgeries that only made me worse and I just gave up. I was on so much medication I was angry, so emotional and just a mess the whole year. One night all 115 pounds of me went out dancing, fell down HARD and hit my face, broke my collar bone and bruised my entire left side of my body. That fall pushed my jaw disc back in and it has stayed in for 4 years. Two months ago I was eating wheat pasta and chicken and heard POP::(((( And shit, I knew I was immediately back in hell. 

So here we are again back on soft foods, back with all day and night chronic pain, back to medication and heating pads and wearing a mouthguard all day and night. The emotions are back the feeling crazy are back...it's all back and I am so angry!!! Went back to the surgeon at BMC and heard the words if never thought I'd hear.."your jaw won't ever be permanently fixed"?!?!!? And just like that my whole life was changed... 

I have the option of trying injections and the surgeon will see if he can get the disc back in. If he can't I have to consider major jaw surgery. But all of these surgeries will only be able to give me 2 to 4 years relief IF they work. I'm on a soft food diet for life and I now have Degenerative Arthritis in my jaw joint. This is the hardest thing to explain to friends and family. It's frustrating actually. No one understands  until they've gone through it. They think oh it's just a tooth ache or just another thing Mandis going through or Mandi is crazy. Non of which are true so how do I explain this? I'll try now...

I wake up in the morning and my jaw feels like stabbing pains. It's unbearable pain! I have a headache all day long. My neck and back kill and every morning I feel like total crap. But I have to get up and get through the day. I take my meds, make myself eat something soft and put myself together. Mouthguard is in all day and I hardly speak to anyone much...because talking more then 15 minutes or laughing sets the pain off. Yawning, sneezing, eating too much, stress, bending forward or backward, resting my head back or putting my face on a pillow trigger the pain. All normal ways we live life. Oh and eating soft foods is horrible! I have zero social life and hardly leave the house. Thank God I work from home and have the most amazing kids!! Watching them all day makes me so happy and keeps me busy! So this is the best way to explain it and it's just a pure hell and there's no cure...which scares the shit out of me!! How am I suppose to live this way? What kind of a life is this? They say it could be worse but honestly it couldn't. This is a horrible horrible way to live and it's very unfair! I've been through a lot in my life and I'm sure people are sick of hearing it but I didn't choose any of this! I'm so lucky I have an amazing family and boyfriend and some friends to get me through this and support me! But I've had some people turn their backs on me and it hurts very much! No matter what, you should ALWAYS be there for your friends!! Especially when they reach out!! I'm not the greatest friend, I miss things, I hate talking on the phone, I don't enjoy going out much, I'm difficult but friendships work both ways! It takes two not one! And I would never turn my back on anyone going through anything, never!! So unfortunately going through this you learn who's your true friend and who's not. And it's sad because friends are what get you through hard times. But I have to focus on myself and my health and figure out what the heck to do!? I just want to explain to people what I'm going through. It's a very isolating lonely life living with a jaw disease. I'm sad thinking about the Holidays and Aruba and next year and so forth, not knowing what the future will hold and if I'll be in pain?! 

 I'm a very outgoing, funny, fun, crazy little dancing drinking gal, so this is very hard losing all that right now. I don't know how I'm going to get through this but I will!!

I'll never stop researching and talking to others struggling with this disease. I'll never give up!! If anyone knows anyone going through this or TMJD or even Chronic Pain send them my way :) Having someone else who understands makes this a little easier! Im praying, I'm trying to stay positive, I'm pushing myself daily and I'm fighting!! 

The love and support means the world to me! And I hope people have a better understanding of what I'm going through. I'm embarrassed to talk with my mouthguard and I feel funny holding my jaw while talking to people. My face is always blue from my joint cream. Most days I look like a hot mess. But writing this makes me feel better and hopefully explains this better :) 

I don't know why all this bad keeps happening but I'm strong enough to handle it!! Life is so short so live life the best way you can. Forgive those who you have grudges with. Go for your dreams. Be kind to people. Stop complaining about senseless small things. Be there for your friends know matter how shitty they are because you have no idea what they are going through!! Reach out to family and spend more time with your parents!! Laugh and live and be grateful you are healthy and have been given a blessed life!! And if you need some reassurance come talk to me ;)

Mandi xxoo

Easter weekend!

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Ready to update!!

It's been a long long time since I've checked this page and updated it. I sort of abandoned it and tried to pretend like non of this ever happened since my pain is now manageable.....wrong choice!
I'm haunted a few times a week of everything I endured during 2009 and 2010.
I get a lot of people are in pain or have been in pain for months at a time but mine was every single day, every hour for about 455 days and a few more weeks/days after that. You don't just forget about those days...

I'm OK right now and I am grateful as heck!
Since I fell on my face, breaking my collarbone in October of 2010 the pain has not been bad. Aside from wearing an ugly mouth guard every night, never eating pizza, steak, gummy or hard anything this pain and out of place jaw is manageable THANK GOD!! But the road ahead isn't going to be easy I've been told. And I'm scared to death which no one knows.

When your bones and muscles aren't in tacked for long periods of time they start to wear and eventually wear down to bone...which my jaw eventually may. So what do I do? Have open jaw surgery and risk the pain coming back? Pretend like its ways away and live life? Forget about it? Every time I try to figure it all out I find myself going crazy and acting totally not like myself!
I know from some TMJ sites many people going through what I'm going through and have no idea how the future will be with this jaw pain. It's so very sad, but surgeons cannot figure out how to correct this problem so we are left to suffer, deal and live a somewhat unhappy and painful lifestyle.
I don't know what to do.. I have good days and bad days. I have normal days and crazy days.
How do you go on not knowing what the future may hold and being deathly afraid of feeling a pain that was indescribable, that I don't think I can survive again...how do all of us TMJ/TMJD sufferers go on!?

It's not fair and I will NEVER understand it! Doctors and surgeons can fix hearts, brains...but they can't get a jaw disc back into its socket?? It will never make sense to me or to any of us going through this.
I want babies soon but how can I when I need to take Advil daily and need to stay away from stress?! Will it be miserable for me and will I suffer? Scary!!!!!
It's very hard when you have no one to turn to or understand any of this...so continuing to write in this blog and share with family and friends may help all of us!
I get asked why I'm down some days, why I'm sad or depressed, why I'm not "loud,funny Mandi" and here is why...I AM SCARED!

I will say this AGAIN, if you know anyone who has TMJD or clicking of the jaw PLEASE tell them not to have there wisdom teeth removed OR teeth pulled in general, as all this can happen to them. I'm not the only one who this has happened to..there are millions and if I can save some people from this hell I will do anything I can to do so!! I've read stories and chatted with a few TMJ sufferers whom have tried to take there own life because the pain was so unbearable. If I can save a life or help someone by sharing my story or knowledge then I will! I'm an open book with all that has happened to me because I want to help and I also want to pull though and live a happy life as well!


Mandi

From healthy to unhealthy all due to TMJ/Jaw dislocation.

This is me at my normal weight of 137 lbs before my jaw injury.

This is me after my jaw injury at 115 lbs and very unhealthy and sick.(YES I still have my humor:):)Thank God!!)

Thank you to the dentist who took a few pieces of my life away:(

I was so thin I fell down on a hard floor and broke my collar bone. I couldn't even walk far because I'd get so out of breathe from being fragile and unhealthy..

And so the year ends....

My life is an open book now and even though sometimes it's best to keep our personal lives hush hush... I feel that talking about personal experiences and what I've gone though may help other people. And that's all I can hope for:) I hope my story or what I've gone through help other people or maybe let them know they will be OK:) I can finally open my mouth again and I refuse to keep it shut:) ....

Tomorrow is the end of the year 2010. For me it went so slow and I cannot wait for it to be over and start a fresh hopefully "healthy" New Year.
I feel like I've been in hell for the last year and I don't know how I got out of it but I did. I'm very proud of myself! I'm finally happy again!

I know many of my friends and people all over the world had a rough year as well with some bad luck. And I want to say to everyone that it get's better and it's not forever!
There's a light at the end of every tunnel and even though it may not seem like things will get better, they always do. They sometimes take time but just be strong,lean on friends and family, pray, and get help if needed.

I didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't think after all the pain I would come out of it all "normal" again.

I think about the 365+ days I sat here in extreme pain in my jaw, crying and helpless. Hungry, depressed, miserable, crazy, mean, sick, and love-less. It's like I lost the will to care...about anything and anyone.
Every single day I cried. I hated everything. I sat on our couch watching 5 seasons go by wishing it would all just end.
It hurt to talk, laugh or smile so I hardly ever did any of that at all.
I wasn't funny anymore or goofy. I just became a sad human being who just didn't care.
Pain can change who you are. Pain can ruin parts of your life and take who you were away. Pain is awful especially a whole year of it. I cannot imagine how people and children who have it worse then I did keep going and stay positive.
To me those people are hero's and the strongest people in the world!

It's INSANE how my jaw suddenly doesn't hurt so badly anymore. It may be the craziest of stories. For those of you who don't know I've had my jaw sort of "dislocated" or "out of it's socket" for over a year. VERY painful leaving me unable to chew or hardly eat. Two surgeries later it still wasn't better. I was put on TONS of med's the whole time and I suddenly depended on them everyday. Thank you God I never got addicted, but I did get dependent on them. Took them every day this year and October of this year I realized I did not need them and they were making me act and feel VERY badly! I will never touch pain pills again! But the dentists and doctors prescribed them to me every week so I thought I needed them and I thought they would solve all my problems. They don't!! They make them all worse.

But October of this year...a year after the jaw injury occurred, I fell down HARD on a wet floor. I smacked my face and broke my collar bone.
Worst pain I have ever felt and a collar bone break is no fun at all. Anyway since I fell my jaw hasn't been hurting as bad and I'm able to eat more and chew a little. No more excruciating pain:)
Crazy right? I don't understand it but all I know is for this past month, after a beautiful vacation in Aruba, I came home ME again:)

The depression is gone and everything is beautiful to me. I feel like I'm seeing the world for the first time. I'm so very happy! I'm so grateful!! I will never take anything for granted ever again!
I have new goals and dreams. I love again and care more than I ever have. I am a better person and I feel like I can get through anything!!
I still am thinking about open jaw surgery because my jaw is very uncomfortable being out of it's socket and I'm unable to sleep on my face or lay down on my face. And I still can't eat a lot of hard things and if I eat too much the pain kicks in a little.
But if I decided on it I know I will be OK:)

I am very lucky I still have all my friends! I pushed everyone away this whole year but my friends waited and cared and stuck by me. They allowed me to go through this all on my own and they were all there waiting in the end! I love you guys!! You know who you are! Your all my angels and I am so blessed to have you all in my life!!

My mother saved my life this year! EVERY SINGLE day she called numerous times listening to me sob uncontrollable, saying things I'm sure no mother wants to here.
She pulled me though it all and was here almost every day sacrificing herself and her life. She saved my life!!! She's the only person I wanted to go to with all this and she was there for me every step of the way! Thank you God for my mother!
I love you momma! You gave me life and this year you saved my life! Pass the tissues;) <3

I still have my relationship which I never thought I would have. Joey should have walked away. He had to see me at my absolute worst every day. He had to listen to my craziness and deal with my major mood swings.
He had to go through this pain every day with me and he did not deserve that!
I picked fights with him every week because I was just mad at the world and needed to take it out on someone....the wrong person. This boy stayed with me even though some days he didn't want to. We both fought for our love. He knew one day I would be "Mandi" again and we would be back to the happy, crazy, fun, completely in love couple we were for years. He stayed with me and if that's not true love I don't know what is:) I see us together forever and I think we will be great examples of an everlasting wonderful love:)You have to go through some hard times together I feel to see if your relationship can with stand. We are strong! We made it! I love him more than anything and he also saved my life! Always and forever!

To everyone that cared, sent me cards, worried, text, thought about me...I LOVE YOU and you have no idea how much you mean to me!

I will no longer talk about this horrible year. I'd love to write a book about my experiences someday...new dreams:)

Life is about pain and heartache and loss and sadness. It's life. But how we choose to deal with these things and overcome them is OUR choice! You can sit around and let these horrible things take your life over, or you can fight and be strong and think positive:) I gave up for a little while but I fought and kicked and screamed and here I am:)

I highly recommend getting professional help for anyone feeling depressed or just needing to talk to someone. It helps! That's what they are there for and getting help is not embarrassing!

So peace out crappy year of 2010:):) I will never forget you but I also will not think of you much anymore:)

Here's to a New Year...2011...I hope it's filled with HEALTH, HAPPINESS and LOVE for you all!
I hope it's a good year for me. I'm 31 years old and ready for the next steps. Hopefully there's some marriage and babies mixed into those steps someday;)

People always ask the question "what do you think you were put on this earth for"? and I actually have my answer. I was put here to make people laugh, smile, make drabby nights into craziness and be the goofy life of the party:) Making people laugh is what I've done my whole life and it makes me happy:)
I think I was also put on this earth for my future children I pray I will have. I feel like I will be one of the most caring, loving, nurturing mothers on the planet:) I may put my kids in a bubble but I will protect them and love them with all that I have:)



It will always get better! Have hope, faith, and say your prayers.
Love Mandi

The Next Step..

Today was decision day on what's next with this whole jaw pain issue.
And my choice is to have Open Jaw Surgery. It's a big surgery with some scary risks.
Recovery sounds brutal and I won't be feeling 100% until probably Springtime, but I will take the risks and all that comes with it to just not feel this pain anymore!
Life is about taking risks. And I think I've been through enough hell this last year and I can take on anything now that comes my way! I'm strong! Dr.Mehra at BMC, my jaw surgeon, is AMAZING!! I have a lot of faith, hope and trust in him.
This surgery scares the crap out of me though! I'm petrified and I don't even have a set date yet.
What they'll basically do it cut the side of my face open to expose the jaw bone and cartilage and all that, and either take the cartilage out if it's bad, or if it's good they'll put it back into place. Also there going to try and slip my disc back into it's hole but he said he's not sure how bad that disc is. If the disc is bad there's nothing they can do about that. I'll just have to live with it out.
But what he's trying to do for me is take this pain away and help me to live a semi-normal life and lifestyle.
The risks.....Ughhh they scare me very much! Nerve damage meaning I could lose feeling and movement on the left side of my face, losing my hearing in my left ear, pain worsening and this may cause me to need more surgeries down the road.
Dr.Mehra told me today that I will never be able to eat certain foods ever again no matter what surgery is performed. Some are pizza, bagels, hard breads, steak, pretzels...basically anything hard that needs a lot of jaw movement. No gum either:(
And my pigging out in the near future is pretty much non existent to. And oh boy did I use to pig out my whole life:)
So it all stinks but I can live with all this! I've thought about it the last two months, I've talked to God, family, close friends, Joey and I'm going for it!! I have a ton of support and I have my strength and my faith and family:)
This surgery is going to be hell for awhile but I already have been through hell throughout my life. I can get through this!! And I will! Mom is not for this surgery but I know in my heart that this is the best thing to do. She told me to talk to God, which I have, and he'll give me the answers. I've gotten the answers I need:)
Things happen and there out of our control. My mom always says we learn from things even the worst of things. And I have learned a lot this year trust me!!
I am one of the strongest people I know now. It took awhile but I pulled myself out of this hell and the depression and medications, and that really dark dark place I was in. I sat in my house and watched 4 seasons go by, crying everyday and praying to God for help.
And about a month ago I made some changes, stopped crying and started living!
My life and my jaw will never be the way it use to be and I am coping with that.
But I'm still here, still breathing and this freak injury did not take me!! So that's what I say to myself everyday!
I can't stop this from happening to anyone because there's not many people in this world that this does happen to with wisdom tooth extractions.
But I will say this...If you have clicking or pain in your jaw make sure you tell your Dentist of Surgeon!! Especially before they pull any teeth out!!
Find out of you have TMJ and the ways you can manage it.
I had a Surgeon tell me last year before all this happened that I shouldn't be put to sleep with wisdom tooth extraction surgery because of my slight jaw clicking and I didn't listen to him. Maybe none of this would have happened if I did but I will never know.
All I know is that I'm stronger than I have ever been, I'm not feeling crazy anymore, I'm off all medications (besides sleeping ones), I laugh and smile more and I have hope!! Yes I am in pain everyday and I still have some depression and I still get scared...but I pull myself out it all now and change my attitude! I have days I want to give up as we all do, but I fight those days and thoughts! We have the control over our mind and thoughts. We control our own happiness no one else does! And no one can make you happy, only you can make yourself happy!
I sat and watched my life, friends, relationship, family, fall apart from all this and how it all changed and I felt so helpless. I had no fight left in me for months and I really thought one day I'm just going to give up.
But I fought and climbed and pulled and held on for dear life. And I made it:)

I have many months and maybe years ahead of me with all this but I know I will get through them all! It will never be easy but life is never easy. I sit and wonder all the time why this happened to me but bad things happen and worse things happen.
I'm a warrior! God maybe choose me to become a warrior and tell my story and maybe help others. I wouldn't have made it without my mother to so be good to your moms everyone:):) They give up themselves for there children:)
And I still have my boyfriend after all we've been through so that's an accomplishment to;) ;) He's been put though hell as well but he stood by me! Family, friends as well! I love you all so much!!! Your all still going to have to deal with me not talking much or going places or seeing me a lot but I will always be there for everyone no matter what:)
What a year...WHAT a year! But I made it:) Now it's onto the next...wish me luck and keep me in your prayers:)
xxoo

Jaw update

Every day some one wonderful in my life asks me how I am and just once I would like to say "I'm OK".
In two months it will be one whole year I've been living with my left side TM jaw joint out of it's position. An easier explanation would be my jaw disc is out of it's socket..also known as a "TM Disorder".
My post below explains how this all happened. It's just getting to the point where it's so tiring having to explain all this and explain to people why I'm still in pain, unable to still do normal every day activities and why I look so completely miserable and have changed as a person.
I feel like people get mad at me when I say I'm still in pain or not feeling good, or I'm not up for going anywhere and that's a crappy feeling to have going through something.
Yup, I should be worrying about myself but of course things affect and bother me. I'm a human being and a girl:)
So maybe sharing my life the last few months will help every one understand me and this "injury".
3 weeks ago I had a minor surgery on my jaw called Arthrocentesis at Boston Medical Center. They gave me Anesthesia, inserted needles into the left side of my face, flushed out the joint with fluids and put the cartilage back into place. There was a small camera at the end of one of the needles so they could see what they were doing.
I was told before this surgery that my jaw disc is ruined and will never feel the same of be back into position again no matter what surgery they performed.
Imagine being told this right before a surgery you though would fix you?
All they can do is manage the pain and try to get me to chew again and live a normal life. They said the surgery was successful but I knew right after not a whole lot would change pain wise. I just knew. It's my face, my body and dealing with the pain I've been dealing with since October 2009, I know what will help and what probably won't.
But I will try anything that can maybe take this pain and suffering away and help me to chew again.
Anyhow, though the pain is not as bad as it was and I am eating more then I have been, I still have pain and somewhat feel the same. My pain is much worse at night and when I get super stressed or talk too much.
I have to wait a few more weeks, and if I still feel like this I have to make a decision to either live like this or have a very risky Open Jaw Surgery where they will have to cut my face open.
Like I said, my jaw disc is ruined and will never be back into place, but surgery's could possibly help the pain.
I'd love to talk to anyone who has TMJ disorder and has had a jaw surgery or has found a way to eliminate the pain.
ANY feedback will help. There's not a whole lot of information out there about my injury and my surgeon said there's only a few jaw surgeons in the world who will perform surgery on a TMJ patient. It's just very very risky. But if it comes down to it in a few weeks and I still feel this pain I will take the risks.
I know some of my family is against this surgery but I don't think anyone can begin to understand what I'm going through or how I feel.
My WHOLE life has changed. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because people have it way worse then I do. People live everyday in sickness, pain and suffering and it's awful. But sometimes sharing stories and all you go through in life helps and heals.
But if there's anyone out there going through what I'm going through or dealing with depression or a life changing experience, why not share stories and try and help each other:)
I'm VERY lucky I have such a great support team behind! I'm very lucky I have such a caring mother who has been by my side through all of this hell and stress.
This injury has taken a toll on every relationship I have with everyone. It's affected my life so badly in a negative way that it's a struggle to want to live life anymore and get out of bed. I have to pick and choose what I can and cannot do. Even going to the beach or to the store can be very stressful for me and cause pain. I'm an emotional mess and cry at the drop of a hat. My emotions are all over the place and I'm so up and down and confusing.
As hard as that is to hear, it's the honest to God truth and very sad but there are a lot of people out there who feel this way.
Between all the medication I have been on, I feel very lucky to still be alive!
I use to be a happy, outgoing girl who loved to dance and listen to music, made everyone laugh no matter what and was always the last one at a party:)
I had my faults and issues like everyone does, but I was a genuinely happy person who just wanted to laugh and make people laugh.
I loved to eat and loved to have a good time.
Not anymore. Living in pain changes your life and makes you crazy! Especially when you've been told you'll be fixed one day and have had surgery's canceled and people being so rude and mean through all this.
I've never been treated so badly by people in my life! It's sad but karma is a you-know-what!
I don't want to sit here and complain about my life because besides this injury I have a pretty good one.I have a very blessed life and a lot of good in it and I thank God for it every single day!!
But I am not the same person I use to be and it kills me!

The depression is awful..I lost a total of 26 pounds..I still cannot chew and have to live on soft foods..it's a battle to get out of bed each day and a lot of the days I don't..I've pushed people out of my life.. I rely on sleeping medication to sleep..I can't lay down normally or lay on my face..the pain is so bad I cry every night and ask to God to please help me.. my whole body aches everyday due to sitting on this couch for almost a year and being unhealthy..I feel sick and crappy every single day..if I get stressed or talk too much the pain is instant..I've gone through more Advil..I worry about everything and my mind is constantly going..I get confused and forgetful..my teeth are a mess and my fillings fall out..I'm miserable..I've turned into a bitch and very moody..I've flipped out and embarrassed myself, my family and boyfriend a few times..I walk down stairs and always have my hands in front of my face protecting my jaw..my ear feels like it's bleeding every day and is in such pain..I stopped taking care of myself..I have no desire to talk to anyone or even leave my house..I'm afraid of everything..I stopped listening to music..I constantly feel like everyone is mad at me for this injury..I've pushed everyone out of my life..I can't get through a day without medication..I can't go to an event without pain med's(I am VERY lucky I have never become addicted!!)..I can't sleep..I have no desire to do anything and I've started to hate my life. I use to be so loud and very talkative and now I just sit and hardly speak. It's hard for to do anything or go anywhere without being in pain or feeling really sick. I get run down easily now. I get stressed and super anxiety. Everyone tries to get me out of the house but most of the time it's best I rest and just deal with all this.
I don't know why bad things happen to people but they do and we have no control over it. We get through them and we learn from them.
But living every day in bad pain, unable to chew and be happy is no way to live and I hate it! There's only so much a human being can take and I have had it.
I CRAVE happiness and I wish and pray every day to not feel this pain anymore.
I want my life back and I want myself back! I would give anything to have my jaw back into place and just to be pain free and not feel like my jaw is hanging down.
All I can say to people is be happy..live life to the absolute fullest.. be nice to everyone and don't let small things get you down:) Life is VERY short and someone always has it worse then we do!!
For anyone that has been wondering how I am or what's going on with me I hope this can explain it:)
Depression, pain and suffering have taken my life away for this past year and all I can ask is that people try and understand, support me and are there for me:)
The only person I can be there for and the only person I care about right now is myself and trying to get better. As selfish as it may sound or as crappy as a friend, girlfriend or daughter I have become I have had no control over this situation.
Hopefully by writing all of this and actually opening up after a few months of isolating myself it can help people understand and maybe help someone going through this stuff:)
And like I said, any jaw pain, TMJ disorders, or anyone who has had jaw surgery, feedback or advice would be SO incredibly helpful:)
I don't know what's going to happen or if I'll every be without pain or if I'll ever be myself again. But I will NOT GIVE UP and I will NOT let this beat me!!
We all get one life..one short very difficult, very crazy life. And we are what we make make of our lives! Life is not fair sometimes but with a good support team and caring friends and family I feel we can get through anything:)
I'm so sick of talking about my jaw and myself and all this hell.So here it all is and the world will know if I ever get helped, fixed or better:) We all go through things in life..we over come them and come out a better, stronger person which I pray I do! Imagine going in to have my wisdom teeth pulled 11 months ago would turn into this?! Ahh life right:) It could always be worse! I would give anything to not have this all anymore and to smile and laugh everyday. Don't EVER take your life for granted and don't EVER think you can't do something because you can!
This is my story and it's a sad one but hopefully it has a happy ending someday:)

It's D day!

Hello,
I thought by writing down my recent experience maybe it could help others or give each one of you some hope. On October 2 2009 my life completely changed..and not for the better.
I went in to have 4 wisdom teeth removed. They never really bothered me but I was getting sick a lot and it was hard for a Dentist to clean back there with my wisdom teeth in the way.
I went to Dr. McNamara's office in Melrose Mass (9/9/09)and met with Dr. Lackey who would perform the surgery on me. She was a younger woman with blond hair and a very hyper personality. She told me this surgery would be a breeze, quick and painless. I believed her of course.
I remember the day of my surgery (10/2/09), and I was so nervous the night before that I had the shakes. But on the day of, Dr. Lackey told me everything would be OK and this was going to be easy. And I trusted her and slowly felt the Anesthesia kick in.
25 minutes later I woke up feeling great and talking so goofy. Mom video taped me and we laughed at the videos for days.
I felt OK for the first few days just a little sore. But as the days/weeks went on I realized this pain in my jaw, trouble opening my mouth and a very hard time eating.
I'll speed this story up a little because it wasn't easy trying to get Dr. Lackey to believe that something was really wrong and that I NEEDED an MRI. I had an MRI done about a month after surgery. Let's just say her receptionists are not on top of things!
The MRI showed that the left side of my jaw was dislocated. Out of it's hole completely and needed to be back into place. Dr. Lackey performed a minor procedure on me a few weeks later and my jaw did go back in for a few days.
Then one day (Thanksgiving at Dads)I was in excruciating pain and I knew the procedure did not work and I was way worse!
We went and got a second opinion by a wonderful Oral Surgeon named Dr. Taro and he predicted that I would need "Scope" surgery and that I should not be suffering this long like this and Dr. Lackey should have know that "procedure" she did would never have worked on a dislocated jaw.
He recommended the surgery but said there's a chance Masshealth would not cover it.
So we went back to Dr. Lackey and she said the "Scope" surgery is the next step and she would make calls to try and get me to see a Surgeon at MGH. She said Masshealth would definitely cover this surgery.This took weeks for her to set me up a consultation.
All the while I'm on 5 different types of medications a day, I've lost about 10 pounds, I am in excruciating pain, and we have a trip to Aruba booked.
Mom worked her magic while I was away and got me a consultation at MGH right when I would get back.
Aruba was AWFUL and I suffered greatly and out of 11 days in paradise, I had one good day of no pain and suffering...my 30th birthday:) I am still forever grateful for that day!
We went and saw Dr. Keith on December 21, 2009 and he agreed I would need scope surgery and he would perform it himself.
We then found out his next available appointment was March 9, 2010. That would be 2.5 MORE months I would have to go through of pain, med's, not chewing and sitting in my house. Mom and I broke down that day in front of the insurance coordinator (AnneMarie)but she couldn't care less. She was and STILL is not a nice person! VERY rude!
So it's almost month 5 of all this hell and my surgery is suppose to be in 3 weeks. We found out yesterday that Masshealth may not cover this surgery and the surgery cost between $6,000- $10,000.
I have been sitting here, strong, trying to stay positive, laugh, trying to make my friends happy, trying to be there for everyone, I have not been able to chew this whole time(almost 5 months),smiling through the pain, being patient and pretty much "faking" that I am OK. But I am not...not at all.
My hair has started to fall out, I have lost 17 ponds total, I constantly don't feel well, I have bad anxiety, I am extremely depressed, stressed, sad, angered, hopeless, my health is not good, hungry, I have been on so much medicine sometimes I wonder if I will not wake up one day, and I have basically lost the will to want to live life! On weekends I use to wake up around 7am or 8am and be excited to start my days off and clean the house...but now I don't ever want to get out of bed!
I know it could be worse. I am VERY lucky I don't have a life threatening disease or cancer and this can be fixed!! I am grateful for this everyday and I thank god for this everyday!!! I have a blessed life!
But this is the HARDEST thing I have ever gone through and I feel like I have completely lost "Mandi".
I feel like Dr. Lackey took her away. But it's time to fight!
I am very weak right now and feel so sick, so Joey (boyfriend)and Mom are helping me fight all this!!
It's Lawyer time and time to give Dr. Lackey her options or else we sue!!
I called Dr. Lackeys personal cell on Sunday letting her know my health isn't good and I do not want to live like this anymore and asking her to please help!
She still has not called back.
I will fight and be strong as much as I can because this is something no one deserves to go through!!!! Things happen to people...sometimes really bad things that we have no control over! But this we can fight for! I lost hope within the last few days but I woke up this morning with my warrior attitude on!
I am hoping Dr. Lackey has a heart and offers to cover this surgery! I am praying and hoping with all that I have!

So I just want everyone to know what is going on. I've been there for friends/family as much as I can...too much in my eyes and It's time for me to take care of myself!


And for those who have showed there concerns/care, been there for me, helped me, comforted me,sent me gifts and cards I LOVE you so much and I thank you with all my heart!! I will still pray for you as well:)

This is not a big deal to some of you but for me it is! Worse things in life happen yes, but this is the worst thing that has happened to me as of right now and I can only come out STRONGER!!!!!!
I don't ask that you feel bad for me..I will survive! All I ask is that you keep me in your prayers and maybe cross a few fingers and toes:)
Today is "D" day and I have had enough!!!
I just want my life back!