I decided to try no meds with this chronic jaw pain. One week I've made it so far and it's not easy! But a life on meds is not a life I want. Been there done that for one whole year and it's like poisoning your body.
Plus for me the meds make me incredibly moody, down, depressed and all over the place. But they do help with the pain so it's a lose lose situation.
Weekends are tough. Weekends are when people usually chit chat and get together. My mom came over Halloween night for 3 hours and I was in incredible pain the whole time. Made me really sad to sit there not myself and not being the goofy loud person I usually am. I worry about my mom because no parent wants to see their child in pain. I worry about my friends and losing friends because what kind of friend am I?? I can't have them over and talk for hours. I can't meet them out (not like I do anyway) I can't attend parties coming up or get togethers. I should worry about myself but I worry about everyone else and how they'll handle this if this is my life from now on.
Many have walked into this house and said instantly my face is so thin or I look so thin. And then some have said I don't look sick and I look fine. Hard to hear but I put on a brave face,I talk as much as I can and I don't ever want people to see me down or not myself. I fight to continue to be Mandi and make people happy and laugh...but it's hard!
I've told Joey(boyfriend of 8 years) he doesn't have to deal with this and he can go find someone who's healthy and can give him a happy fun life. I feel bad we can't do anything and he sits in most weekends. It's not fair to him. But for some reason he loves me and doesn't care. I just hope all this doesn't destroy my friendships and relationships. No one wants to deal with a sick girl. I'm sure it gets annoying. Again, I should worry about myself 😊
With the Holidays coming up and our week and a half yearly vacation in Aruba, I'm so scared! I don't know how I'm going to get through this all. At home, I have my heating pad, my ice, my blue joint cream that I rub on every hour and tuns my face blue (if you see me blue faced you know why;) my mouthguard and my comfort. Even if you do tell people you can't talk a lot and your in pain they don't truly understand. So I don't know how I'll get through my most favorite time of the year but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?!
I have good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours. I wake up and immediately feel the soreness in my jaw and pain. I cry a lot and I do feel bad for myself, sorry. Your mouth and jaw is one of the most used body parts. Talking and eating are the main ways of life. So having that taken away is something I'll never be able to explain. But it's not fair! I can't spend my life not talking and hardly eating so to be honest I am scared everyday! Afraid of the future... what if they can't get this disc back in and I'm in more pain then now like I was in 2010...then what?? I don't think anyone understands that this is a lifelong injury and all they can do is try to get the disc in and it'll maybe stay in for a few years until it pops out again and this all is repeated for life:( I know I'm strong but this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and this time around I'm handling it much better, but I'm just so sad and angry that this happened to me!
Aside from this, some know some don't, I've been struggling with Infertility for about 2 years now. I've had one Chemical Pregnacy, one miscarriage this past March, 3 surgeries and I've seen Doctors more then I can count. It is the most emotional, sad, heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through and I'm still not over the miscarriage in March, as I realized this past Halloween. We would have had our baby in October and dressing he or she up for Halloween, so I balled a lot that day. I guess my hearts still not healed💔💔
As a child all I wanted to do when I grow up was get married and be a mom to 3 to 5 kids. But for some reason in the back of my mind I always knew I'd struggle to have a baby. I just knew it and here I am....crazy!!
I think I've seen about 18 friends get pregnant easily and have babies. And you want to be happy for them but it is SO hard!! So hard! Now, I can't attend baby showers and I have a hard time being around anyone who's pregnant. Seeing the constant announcements and baby pictures on social media killed me so I took a 5 month break from FB. I'm back on Facebook now but only with a few close friends and family. I'm sure people are offended that I'm not friend requesting them or vise versa, but going through all this pain and not being good company I only want people who truly know me and understand me in my life right now. And I hope people understand that!!
I don't know what's going to happen with all this. I'll never ever give up on trying to have our baby!! There's nothing wrong with me so they can't figure out why I can't get pregnant. So frustrating! I need a break from it right now though so January I'll consider Fertitly Treatments. But I'm not healthy right now and I have to take aspirin everyday so I don't think it's the best time to get pregnant, but it's in Gods hands!! I've never believed "everything happens for a reason" until now. I'm pretty calm this time around with this jaw Injury because it's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do. Last time I was fixed for 4 years because I fell on my face....so maybe I'll fall again who knows. Whatever is suppose to happen will!! God only gives us what we can handle!!
Thank you to all those who've reached out or came by for a quick visit and made me soft foods. You don't know how much I appreciate you!! Got my family and my amazing dad and a handful of good friends, so thank you all!! My mother is my angel and even though she comes here talking her ass off, I love that she's here everyday!! Best mother in this universe!! I'm so lucky!!
The bf has been amazing throughout this too and I do feel badly for him having to deal with all this crap!! I want to give him a child more then anything in this world and I want to make him laugh and happy so I worry and feel terrible:( But either way he wants to be with me and I am lucky to have him too....because most guys would leave!
I'm so lucky to have one of my best friends (my Yang) who lives a house away from me. Everyone gets busy and has their own lives so it's nice to know a friend is steps away and I can text or go over anytime! And her 7 year old daughter is one of my best friends too :) it makes this a bit easier just knowing I have friends and they are steps away! So reach out to friends and don't isolate yourself!
Always tell those who are there for you how much you appreciate them and thank them often!! I'm learning this through all this pain and want to be a better person, friend, daughter, girlfriend!
My prayers are with anyone going through hard times! If you need me I'm here for you! And to anyone who's been given a blessed life, never stop thanking God and appreciating it! Because some of us would give anything to have what you have, even through your most stressful difficult days :)
Xxoo Mandi
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